Discovery of Self

ME,
with all this vision,
all these talents I possess-
Am I wasting them,
or is my mind just a mess...?

ME 
with all this potential, this passion,
And all these possibilities inside
me-
The loose ends that 
don't get tied
never tide me over...

ME,
With all the makings 
for greatness
and all these successful traits,
still failing
at the simplest of tasks.

ME,
with all these mutable emotions,
and these shifting thoughts and feelings...
I can never pin them down,
but I wasn't built
to frown.

ME,
the person who's always 
holding court, never judges,
always listening tall, and coming up short.
Learning endlessly,
introspective, yet extroverted,
the one who's always worried about
everyone else first,
and self last.

Me, with tearless eyes,
and padded shoulders...

ME,
Always the listening ear,
always the shoulder to cry on...

ME...
MYSELF...
I...

Who am I, really?
And just what have I done 
so WRONG --
That I always fall flat on my face
In the moments when I most
need a helping hand?

Whatever It Takes

I don't know why I bother anymore,
because my heart still hurts,
an open wound, a festering sore.
I don't know why I keep trying,
when my efforts remain fruitless
and I always end up crying.
I couldn't say why I fight so hard
because I no longer know what I'm fighting for
and I can't deal with your blatant disregard.
I'm so sick of the pain,
tired of feeling this way-
as though I'm living my life without mirrors; in vain.
I don't know why I second guess myself,
Why I doubt my own nature,
why my hindrances have no help.
Just take my heart already, would you-
throw it to the lions,
Let them rip it to shreds - would you?
I'm in pieces, forever falling apart
bursting at the seams-
Our end is near, and I don't know where it starts.
Pleading with Karma, and beseeching the fates,
I know not how to achieve sanctum -
but I'll do whatever it takes.

Visions of Blandeur

I can't think straight,
my thoughts are too crooked...
I can't see clearly,
my vision's too blurred...
I don't doubt it-
but my mind is too crowded
And i can't shake it
because I'm being held in place...
Please tell me
it wont hurt forever
and please don't tell me that there's nothing I can do;
This is my plea...
For I can do it all, I can do anything-
Don't you see?
Please tell me that it gets easier...
but don't ever say
that life is easy-
because if it was,
we'd never hurt,
never learn-
never heal...
we'd never be happy
because we never learned how to overcome sadness.

Ringing Silence

I waited by the phone for you,
leaning against my door,
so blue...
I waited for you to be true
to me-
All I really wanted was the truth,
truthfully.
Instead the lies kept piling up,
uncut decks in this game
we call love.
You never wanted me, 
this I now see...
Distancing yourself even as I held on
to hopes and could-bes.
I tried so hard to be your all,
As you yanked the rug from beneath me
and watched me fall...
Time wasted...
who could've known this would've tasted
so bittersweet-
And as I struggle to get back to my feet;
to regain balance,
I realize this was a plethora
of one-sided challenge;
A dangerous tightrope walk-
one that would make even the 
most talented of all gymnasts balk.
I thought this thing was a two-sided game-
but you were the lone player,
and I'm left alone with my shame.
Your tongue spoke nothing but deceit and lies,
and I sit here sifting through leftover sorrow and goodbyes.
A delicate balance of blame, and of guilt...
I choke on the sorrow
that your fallacies built.
Never more lonely
than when I'm alone...
My spirit falls, humbly-
a queen dethroned.
Here, where your touch once intoxicated,
now lay scars that haven't yet faded.
I tried, and tried, to be all you needed,
and you left me here - unwanted and defeated.
I guess that's the way it is,
and these choices we make
are little more than risks
in a game of give-and-take.
I gave you my heart, and bared you my soul,
and now all that's left in their place
is a gaping hole.
One day, I hope you truly see
what you meant to me,
But for now, it's a goodbye you'll never hear
mixed bitterly
with the tears you never stayed around to see.

Sweet Remembrances

I don't think about you much anymore,
but when I do,
my heart's not as sore-
as when the pain was still fresh, still ripe....
Starting anew, a clean slate, a cleansing swipe.
I saw you, once, but only in passing-
a quick glimpse, memories and emotions flashing...
It was hard to keep from stopping you to ask
if you'd hurt too, if you'd worn the same mask
of oblivion, of facade,
but doing that would've been like some strange occurrence,
too awkward, and too odd.
Like crossing a pond far too broad
with only water skis for support-
I just couldn't fake the rapport
of two friends, having a friendly interlude;
We'll never be that easy again, it'd have just been rude.
You're no more than a sweet memory now,
like an old friend that stops by once in a while-
bringing lingering emotion, and fleeting smiles.
It used to hurt to think of you, of me,
of what we'd once been...
But time's healed my soul, and I know now that our end
was exactly what it was meant to be.
We were doomed before we began,
But I could never figure out why neither of us
turned and ran...
Were we in too deep? 
Were there too many promises
we tried to keep?
Looking back now, and even in retributive hindsight,
in my mind's eye I realize 
that we didn't have the means to fight
what was ultimately a losing battle,
of wills, of words, of useless prattle.
Questioning it now is futile,
a rhetorical argument with no rebuttal.
I wish we'd ended on more amiable terms,
but with hurt comes betrayal,
and only time can confirm
that what's always meant
isn't what always is;
But the past is just that,
and the future's just a teasing kiss.
It's not promised, nor is it certain,
just as we can't foretell the weather before
we draw back our curtains.
I may still love you, but it's hard to say,
as the presence you once maintained
fades with each passing day.
Blurred around the edges, is my remembrance of you...
But understand that it's nothing personal now,
moving on is what I must do.
I wish you happy, and I pray that you're blessed-
There's not much more left to say,
except that God's got the rest.

Little Book of Magic

All the passion I contain;
All the strengths I embody-
and that embody me-
manifest themselves in the form of words.
They come forth from me
as a river from a stream,
as a cloudburst on a seemingly perfect day.
Unexpected, yet strangely welcome.
Words are powerful.
Some are only as powerful
as the person who speaks them-
some have no power,
and others are powerful beyond measure,
whether spoken or read-
they can cause great pain, or bring great joy.
Words-
they are magic,
they can cause us to feel unspeakable, inexplicable things;
They can take us to places
far beyond that even which our own 
thoughts could create.
Words can cause us to fantasize, to fly....
to picture beautiful insanities,
transport us to worlds
beyond our imaginative mindsets.
Words can also cause destruction,
deadly and fiery crashes into oblivious hatred.
Painful descents - or glorious uprisings?
Words are magic-
a learned evil, or an innate good?
Depending on the speaker, and the listener,
the writer and the reader,
words carry an impact
that can either empower-
or devastate.
They help us to form opinions,
likes and dislikes...
They bring feelings to life;
My hasty scribble 
and wandering rambles
could rivet some,
and turn others away.
My words,
yours,
his, and hers,
can have an unspeakable effect on someone's life.
This is why I write-
This is why I bare my soul...
My words can touch someone.
Aloft as a fairy - sprinkling gold-dust and  dew,
You'll always see me with the 
magic wand that is my pen,
and the little book that holds my magic.

Adieu

It was never our time,
And certainly not our place...
So I bid thee adieu,
Another distant face.
Fading from memory,
With each passing day,
I know not how I came to know you,
Only that you weren't meant to stay.
Your presence, though brief,
Invoked such passion, such laughter-
Such grief.
So goodbye, my friend,
I don't know if we'll ever meet again...
Goodbye, dear acquaintance,
You were just as easy, as you were maintenance.
Later, buddy, call you that if I may,
Though our connection was short,
It's for your happiness I pray.
We had to let go, there was no other choice-
Parting ways, to find something else in which to rejoice.
So it's goodbye I say to you,
Once more and again...
Though it pains me to admit,
We'll never be friends again...
This is it.

Hometown Blues

Every day I miss you-

you're so much a part of me,

a lingering presence, a boundless entity.

Every day I wonder

how you hold up in my absence,

and if you know the reason I left-

because to me it makes perfect sense.

I loved you so, but I couldn't stay;

It just wasn't working - I had to get away.

I lived you, breathed you, basked in your grace,

But I had to find peace of mind...

I just needed space.

So many years have passed, so many memories made-

Although occasionally I visit,

my goodbyes were forever bade.

I can never come back, I know that now;

And though "never" is a strong word,

there's just no way, no how...

I can't watch your light dim

from constant blows and costly whims.

I can't bear to watch others destroy you-

You, once a royal treasure, and beautiful beyond measure...

And now all that remains is the shell of you.

I couldn't deal with your constant oppression-

Forever a shadow against my endeavors and transgressions.

I loved you so much, that the thought of leaving hurt,

But now with interactions so brief, and actions so curt;

I see that we'd have gotten nowhere- just drawing circles in dirt.

You pushed me away, can you see that now?

I wanted to stay, but there was no room to move-

So I threw in the towel.

I miss you still, and always will-

the way you light up when you're excited,

but your brightness has been somehow blighted.

I miss your good mood food,

Always something for happy, for sad, for meaningless broods.

I miss all the places you took me,

even though once there, all you'd do was overlook me.

I miss all the things I did,

with you right beneath me like wings,

or like skids;

Supporting me, and me representing you.

I think of these things, and even now I get blue.

I just want you to know that even though we've said our goodbyes,

My loyalty to you is still fierce, I hope it never dies.

You're a huge part of my being

one of the largest reasons for my perpetual alacrity.

It's you I think of when I feel alone,

and you I think of when I think of home.

My balance, my joy, my clarity,

Forever my city,

Forever Cincinnati.

Doubtless Dreams

I dreamed of you last night-

And in the dream you told me

never to worry,

but always to fight.

You told me that I'm stronger than I know,

and that as time passed, I'd only grow.

You said for me to dry my tears,

and hold onto my fears,

because they'd push me to succeed 

over the years.

I felt as though I were really talking to you,

as though if I reached out and touched,

my touch would ring true.

But then you began to fade away,

as the sky grew dusky,

and the shadows turned gray.

I wasn't finished talking to you;

But as you left, one thing rang true...

I know now that you're always there,

even if I can't call you when I want,

you're with me everywhere.

Your earthly being is now a heavenly one,

and I know I'll see you again when this life is done.

I wish you'd come to me once again,

be it through dreams, or through angels,

just once again.

Time is but a mighty foe,

delivering blow after tremendous blow.

One day, we'll get to talk all day,

and walk together as time whiles away.

But until then, I'll hold onto that dream,

to remind me that nothing's ever as bad as it seems.

Ward of the State

I'm a prisoner of the county
of my thoughts and dreams.
A ward of my state of mind;
Though not voluntarily,
but through a fate of some kind.
Brought to my knees by depression
of a certain superfluous obsession...
I was scratched and bruised,
dazed and confused.
An error in my department of corrections,
my conscience wears uniforms of random selection.
Unconscious of its own afflictions,
My heart measured out wrongful convictions.
Tangled in gross dereliction of duty,
my spirit is forever moody.
I turned loose my heart and soul;
But my brain is in solitary
and my conscience is cold...
Probation's out the window, and there's no chance for parole.
My mind no longer knows what's real,
so my body remains in confinement
while it waits for its appeal...

Never Saw It Coming

I didn't say "I love you," every day,
I never showed emotion when you'd say
that time is no man's friend,
and we're always only seconds from the end...
I never believed those words would ever ring true,
never for me,
and especially not for you.
But they have, and so suddenly;
I'm all alone, and now humbly
I think of all the things I could've said,
and they still roam around in my head....
Because now that you're gone,
and I'm forced to carry on,
I wish for a second chance;
A rewind or backwards glance
to say and do all the things I didn't...
To reveal thoughts and feelings that were otherwise hidden.
You've let loose the ties that bound you,
and a better place has crowned you.
I still get sad sometimes,
and it still weighs on my mind,
But I know you're happy now-
and although you've taken your final bow...
I'll see you again,
I don't know how or when,
but until I do,
Just know that I'll always love you.

For my grandpa, who died after 86 years of good living. You are missed, never forgotten, and always in my heart! R.I.P. Frank Marvin Mayo. I love you. ♥