A Granddaughter's Love

There are many names we've called you,
Many gestures of affection we've given you - 
Many "I love you"s said over the years...
But you are so much more
than just a name, 
a hug or kiss here and there;
More than just a source of comfort, advice, and support.
You are the reason I'm here,
the reason I smile,
the source of most of my joy,
and my role model.
You are who I've turned to
for solace, for strength, for encouragement.
My mother's mother,
Grandma, Grandmere, Granny...
these names hardly do justice to what you truly are to me.
I hope that one day,
my children's children
look to me the same way
that I look to you.
I know that over the years
I've been a difficult, pain in the you-know-what, stubborn,
hardheaded, forgetful nuisance...
I'm pretty sure I drove you crazy most of the time.
But I also hope that over these years,
I've been someone that you could be proud of.
Everything that you've done and continue to do,
you do from the deepest wells of your heart,
without ever asking anything in return.
I will always love, respect, and cherish you no matter what.
You've been there to wipe every tear I've shed,
there to revel in my laughter and share my happiest moments.
There wil never, ever, ever be enough words
for me to express
how truly blessed and grateful I am
to have grown up with your influence
over my life.
I love you.

Happy Birthday, Grandma. :-)

Revelations in Kay Major

Everyone loves Kay,
at least that's what they say...
[But] Then again, Kay does what she's asked,
on demand and without delay.
So why does she feel so alone in this world?
If everyone so loves her, why
does she still feel like a lost little girl?
Kay's such a great listener, she's such a sweet person-
But as of late, she's feeling neglected,
like a jilted stepchild someone placed a curse on.
Kay is awesome, she's this and she's that,
but she's feeling stepped on, and keeps falling flat.
Kay was destined to be great from the day she was born,
but right now she feels lackadaisical,
uninspired and forlorn.
Because Kay was too trusting,
too sweet and too kind;
and everyone takes advantage of that -
and leaves Kay behind.
Kay always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt,
but that only left Kay to figure it all out...
On her own,
bereft and alone.
Where is everyone she helped get ahead?
Where are all the people she loved instead
of showing them the door?
They don't know her now -
But they'll always remember "before."
But Kay is tired, and Kay now knows
that no one's to be trusted,
and "anything" no longer goes.
Kay finally realized
that real eyes
see real lies...
And true ears
know what no one else hears.
Kay still loves everyone...
but this time from afar,
and all of those feelings she'd put into the air
are now locked up in a jar.
Sealed airtight -
Kay refuses to fight
for all the wrong things
on another's behalf
She's since grown her own wings -
and now follows her own path.

Cheers

Being away from you
Hurt my heart in more ways than you could know...
But you left me behind, what an ego-shattering blow.
You didn't tell me to care about you,
But I do - or maybe I thought I did...
You never called, but maybe you couldn't,
I gave a damn, but maybe I shouldn't
have bothered.
I talked to you today.
And as always, it was out of the blue...
That alone should've given me a clue
That today is no more than yesterday's tomorrow,
And that time is never ours to manipulate or borrow.
I thought it would hurt to talk to you again,
But I have nothing but well wishes,
I'll always be your friend.
I felt nothing, no pain, no regret,
Just relief that you're okay,
and resignation to the debt
that you hold me to instead.
Really, I owe you nothing, nor do you owe me,
But I feel there was too much left unsaid,
Blind eyes turned so as not to see
That this...
Undefined, and yet clear as day,
was nothing more than a distraction,
A mere getaway -
From life and its pain,
from sorrow and its shame.
You were a friend in a time of need,
For that, I'm indebted to you,
I am indeed.
Our conversation today was one of revelation,
I'm glad we talked, I needed the clarification.
I hope you're happy and fulfilled,
And that your future will be as that of a rare flower,
Ever-growing and lovingly tilled.
This isn't goodbye, just the musings of my heart...
So here's to yesterday's tomorrows, and to good people and fresh starts.
Cheers.

Discovery of Self

ME,
with all this vision,
all these talents I possess-
Am I wasting them,
or is my mind just a mess...?

ME 
with all this potential, this passion,
And all these possibilities inside
me-
The loose ends that 
don't get tied
never tide me over...

ME,
With all the makings 
for greatness
and all these successful traits,
still failing
at the simplest of tasks.

ME,
with all these mutable emotions,
and these shifting thoughts and feelings...
I can never pin them down,
but I wasn't built
to frown.

ME,
the person who's always 
holding court, never judges,
always listening tall, and coming up short.
Learning endlessly,
introspective, yet extroverted,
the one who's always worried about
everyone else first,
and self last.

Me, with tearless eyes,
and padded shoulders...

ME,
Always the listening ear,
always the shoulder to cry on...

ME...
MYSELF...
I...

Who am I, really?
And just what have I done 
so WRONG --
That I always fall flat on my face
In the moments when I most
need a helping hand?

Whatever It Takes

I don't know why I bother anymore,
because my heart still hurts,
an open wound, a festering sore.
I don't know why I keep trying,
when my efforts remain fruitless
and I always end up crying.
I couldn't say why I fight so hard
because I no longer know what I'm fighting for
and I can't deal with your blatant disregard.
I'm so sick of the pain,
tired of feeling this way-
as though I'm living my life without mirrors; in vain.
I don't know why I second guess myself,
Why I doubt my own nature,
why my hindrances have no help.
Just take my heart already, would you-
throw it to the lions,
Let them rip it to shreds - would you?
I'm in pieces, forever falling apart
bursting at the seams-
Our end is near, and I don't know where it starts.
Pleading with Karma, and beseeching the fates,
I know not how to achieve sanctum -
but I'll do whatever it takes.

Visions of Blandeur

I can't think straight,
my thoughts are too crooked...
I can't see clearly,
my vision's too blurred...
I don't doubt it-
but my mind is too crowded
And i can't shake it
because I'm being held in place...
Please tell me
it wont hurt forever
and please don't tell me that there's nothing I can do;
This is my plea...
For I can do it all, I can do anything-
Don't you see?
Please tell me that it gets easier...
but don't ever say
that life is easy-
because if it was,
we'd never hurt,
never learn-
never heal...
we'd never be happy
because we never learned how to overcome sadness.

Ringing Silence

I waited by the phone for you,
leaning against my door,
so blue...
I waited for you to be true
to me-
All I really wanted was the truth,
truthfully.
Instead the lies kept piling up,
uncut decks in this game
we call love.
You never wanted me, 
this I now see...
Distancing yourself even as I held on
to hopes and could-bes.
I tried so hard to be your all,
As you yanked the rug from beneath me
and watched me fall...
Time wasted...
who could've known this would've tasted
so bittersweet-
And as I struggle to get back to my feet;
to regain balance,
I realize this was a plethora
of one-sided challenge;
A dangerous tightrope walk-
one that would make even the 
most talented of all gymnasts balk.
I thought this thing was a two-sided game-
but you were the lone player,
and I'm left alone with my shame.
Your tongue spoke nothing but deceit and lies,
and I sit here sifting through leftover sorrow and goodbyes.
A delicate balance of blame, and of guilt...
I choke on the sorrow
that your fallacies built.
Never more lonely
than when I'm alone...
My spirit falls, humbly-
a queen dethroned.
Here, where your touch once intoxicated,
now lay scars that haven't yet faded.
I tried, and tried, to be all you needed,
and you left me here - unwanted and defeated.
I guess that's the way it is,
and these choices we make
are little more than risks
in a game of give-and-take.
I gave you my heart, and bared you my soul,
and now all that's left in their place
is a gaping hole.
One day, I hope you truly see
what you meant to me,
But for now, it's a goodbye you'll never hear
mixed bitterly
with the tears you never stayed around to see.