Atonement

Lonely, desolate,
Stressed beyond measure...
Smoking Newport after Newport,
but it's no longer for the pleasure.
No way out,
and too far in;
Unsure of where
my life stops
and the bullshit begins.
Is this a win-win, or a lose-lose?
There's no certain way
to really pick and choose...
My judgment's impaired,
and I'm splitting hairs-
Wondering when the merry-go-round stops whirling;
This has to stop, surely.
Losing time, losing heart,
with no idea where to start-
Is it too late?
Will these fears ever abate?
Looking for meaning in promises never meant,
trying to cash in on time never spent-
And wondering if this is just a fluke,
Or a form of atonement...

A Little More About Me

Hey, Y'all! (Paula Deen voice lol)

 

Okay, so I know I promote this page as something of a place for me to exhibit my work, I'm a writer, obviously I want you to read. But let's cut to the chase here. No one wants to read the work of an artist that they know nothing about, right? I mean, don't get me wrong, mystery is good in some cases, but not this one.

Unfortunately for y'all, I have no pictures of myself scantily clad with tons of makeup in semi-erotic poses. That would definitely have drawn more traffic to this blog, I'm sure. I'm sure that if right now, if I put up a pic of myself half naked in a come-hither pose licking my lips or something of that nature, I'd have about 200 "likes" in less than 10 minutes. What is it they say? SEX SELLS??? Exactly. Well it won't be selling on THIS blog. I can't give you what sells, what's hot right now, or what society believes is the trend at the moment. I can't provide you with an unusual means of entertainment that involves abnormal amounts of violence or videos that most would find hilarious. I can't, and I won't. But what I can give you, is the truth. For those of you who know me, you know that I have the tendency to say whatever is on my mind, whenever it's on my mind, no holds barred, regardless of whether or not I hurt someone's feelings. That's just the way I am, the way I've always been, and the way I always will be. There's no changing me. Love me as I am, or leave me alone, I could honestly care less either way.

 

Most of you know that I was born and raised in Cincinnati, Ohio, and that I now live in Atlanta, GA…but screw the demographics and all that blah blah blah, you guys truly don't give a flying hell about where and how I grew up. You just want to know what makes me ME, what makes me TICK, what makes me say and do some of the shit I do. Well, here it is: I'm NOT normal, I DON'T give a f***, and I DON'T "go with the flow" just to fit in. Did I mention I don't give a f***? That being said, writing has always been an outlet for me, whether I'm happy, sad, irritated, pissed off, amorous, whatever. Whatever I'm feeling, whenever I'm feeling it, however I'm feeling it, if I can't express it verbally or emotionally. I express it in writing. It's easier, and a whole hell of a lot more cleansing than If I'd have just had a heart to heart with someone who possibly either doesn't care about me like I imagine they would, or who may possibly go tell everyone they know, or worse yet, judge me. None of which I need if I'm going through something.

 

A lot of people ask me, "Why is it so sad?" or "Who broke your heart?" Honestly, a lot of my writing, especially my poetry, has nothing directly to do with me. A lot of it is based on what I've observed, whether in my own life or someone else's, or things that I've experienced or other people have experienced. Basically, I can derive inspiration from anything, or anyone. Realistically, everything has to have a basis, right? But it's the truth. The slightest things can inspire me to write something profound….or even something silly, depending on my mood. I have a lot of silly free writes, just because I was in a goofy mood and felt like writing, but wasn't really serious about it. I get like that sometimes (LOL).

So, you wonder, "What made her post this?" or "Why should I care?" Well, you should, and even if you don't, I just wanted to give you all a little inside look. And this won't be the last post like this. You might see more like this, especially if I'm ranting or raving about something…so be on the lookout for more posts like these, you may just learn something, lol. Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not…you'll never really know though, now will you? ;-)

Insomnia

I can't sleep at night,
and I've given up on trying to figure out why...
And these tosses and turns and longing sighs
can't be more than outward cries
for help, for solace, and for peace...
Some semblance of normal
to put my mind at ease.
Right now I'm up a creek without a paddle
in a capsized boat, and as I battle
for sanity, for calm,
I wonder if I went about this all wrong...
Because nothing is going right,
and my hopeless dreams take flight-
leaving me in their dust
alone in a place where survival is a must.
Thoughts shattered like glass,
as each endless day slips past...
I wonder, is it truly worth it?
Or am I just one of the cursed?
No one's perfect-
That's what they say,
but more so I think to keep reality at bay.
No matter what is felt, and what is said,
There seems no way to purge this doubt from my head.
Broken days, and glittering nights,
I look to the stars to ponder my plight.
Wishing for a miracle, a blessing or three;
All I want is for my wandering soul
to be set free.
My bed is a desert, my blanket a cloud-
My vision plays hide and seek with the fears my mind shrouds.
And as darkness lifts, leaving everything sparkling with dew,
I turn from my insomnia, and start the cycle anew.

Graveyard

I miss you at night
in the dwindling of light
when the little birds cease flight...
I miss you too much,
miss waking to your touch...
I miss the strength of your arms;
their security, and their warmth.
I miss your hands,
their caresses, their demands,
their give, and their take,
their surrender, and their command.
I miss falling asleep with the knowledge you're there,
swaddling myself in the comfort of knowing you care...
I miss your presence, so strong and endearing,
I miss waking to you as morning is nearing.
You're always on my mind;
Is this a torture of some kind?
Because I can't sleep without you-
And your side of the bed remains empty and cool.
I never thought it would be this hard...
Something like an uncut deck of cards,
Trying to rest in the empty hours
between night and day-
Going half-crazy, all alone
as I sit up waiting for you
to come home...

Emotion-Deaf

I once felt
that every word you spoke
touched my heart
in a way no one else ever could.
I once thought
that your touch
set my soul afire
in ways I never dreamed imaginable.
I once burned
with an inextinguishable passion
and an insatiable thirst
that nothing but your love could quench-
or so I thought...
I once thought that you were
the man of my dreams-
But now dreams come as
broken fragments of reality;
An inescapable nightmare
that haunts me constantly.
I had this crazy notion
that you made me see the world
as a newborn baby does for the first time:
through new eyes.
I now know that the words you spoke
held small daggers of poisonous lies
beneath the surface
that shredded my heart.
I now understand
that your touch
is that of a 4th degree burn;
there is no recoil,
and complete recovery is almost impossible.
I now feel that my passion for you
was nothing more than the lust
of my lackadaisical soul,
crying out for the passion
it so duly deserves.
I now realize
that my dreams
were nothing more than fanciful nightmares,
disguising themselves as whimsical notions 
that eased the pain of reality...
I know now that 
I couldn't see the world at all;
But the blinders have been ripped from my eyes,
and they're now full of tears...
All I wanted was to be loved,
but I couldn't see that
what was right in front of me
was not what lay ahead of me.
Blinded by pain,
numbed by heartbreak,
You were a breath of fresh air
to my tortured senses-
But I wish my heart had heeded its own warnings
before it was too late.
Unable to listen-
Choosing only to hear
what I wanted to,
I was emotionally deafened; spiritually bereft-
And, to my own chagrin, my heart's vacuity
cut me deeper
than the jagged pieces of your soul
ever had.